Hannah Turns Six!

"Um, Mommy, you don't think you're done updating your blog yet, do you?" "Helloooo! I had a birthday! You have to do my birthday post!"

"Okay, listen up guys, I'm gonna tell you how it went down!""So, first I opened presents, I got some great stuff, no kidding! Then, I ate muffins for breakfast - my Mom made two kinds because I couldn't decide on my favorite. Turns out that having two kinds is my favorite! After that, my Mommy took my sister and I to Build A Bear workshop, which was my gift from MomMom and PopPop. Who do you think forgot the camera when we went to the mall? I'll give you a hint - it wasn't me or Emma. After we built our bears, we ate soft pretzels and ice cream for lunch. My Mommy is awesome, right?!""So, my Mommy made me a birthday cake in the shape of a lamb. She tried to convince me it was an Easter themed cake, but it's my birthday and I wanted a lamb, so you can guess how that went. Thing is, we don't have any pictures of the cake, either. Right before cake time, my sister got her hamster out and he was rolling through the house in his ball. We all thought this was very cute! Well, all of us except for my Rinnie. She sat in the living room with her feet tucked under her and shrieked whenever the hamster ball rolled in her direction. Wierd, right?Then, it happened! We had a little disaster with the hamster escaping his ball, everyone screaming, and the dogs trying to eat the hamster. It took my Mommy and Daddy so long to catch that hamster that cake time happened much later than usual. It was so worth it, you should have seen all the excitement caused by one tiny hamster. That guy can run like grease lightening!"

"I think my Mommy was so shaken up by the incident with the loose rodent that she completely forgot to take pictures of me blowing out my candles and everyone singing to me. That's okay, I know how rodents rattle her. Wait, do you suppose that birthday wishes still count if no one takes a picture of you while you're making it???"

New Pictures!

Here are some pictures my sister has been asking for since I had the girls' hair cut a couple of weeks ago - Jen I figured I should post them before you got here and told me off in person. :) Fishy Faces - I love Hannah's face in this picture, which is the only thing that would motivate me to post a picture of myself making a fishy face.

Getting ready to celebrate Hannah's 6th birthday! This is our new baby, Gracie. I found a new home for the budgies when I met a local lady who has an aviary in her home. She raises cockatiels and has a free flight room where the budgies can fly around all day to their hearts' content! Yay budgies - no more cage! While we were there, Josh and this little gal fell in love. She has misshapen feet, so she can't land properly - hence the name Grace. The lady had rescued her and planned on keeping her as she is so tame and sweet. However, she let us take Gracie home, and Jane is SO happy to finally have a buddy. Gracie is beautiful, and has the sweetest disposition. We just love her!

Check this one out - Maggie has gotten huge! She is quite the character and can always find some trouble to get into. One of her latest exploits is jumping on top of the dining table when we all come home. This way she has better access to our faces to give us kisses. Unfortunately for her, when I finished laughing, I pulled her off the table and reminded her about the "no dogs on the furniture" rule. In this photo, she's once again testing out the "no dogs on the furniture" rule. "Mom, do end tables count? They don't right? Look, I fit perfectly!"

Look at her face - looking at her, I'd swear she knows deep down that end tables do count as furniture!

Am I The Worst Blogger, Or What?

Dogs are great, and they're cute - so they always make great blog material. Here are Rugby and Chili, to show you just a few of the many reasons dogs are so fabulous.

Reason #1:

They always do this when you come in the door - even if you just went out to get the mail:Reason #2

If you get bored, you can count how many times their tongue will wrap around their head:

Reason #3:

They love to pose for pictures:

Reason #4

If you are too tired to exercise your children, they'll do it for you:

Reason #5

Come on, just look at these faces:

Now that I have you convinced as to the obvious superiority of dogs to any other pet,

here are some pictures of the kids:

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way

Yesterday was such a "down" day that I really didn't want to go to our therapy session last evening. I was feeling "all done", and tired of even thinking about all of it. I'm so glad I made myself go, because it ended up being one of the best sessions yet.
I was able to share openly how I was feeling, which was cleansing.
I also shared a couple of what I saw as small victories we'd had over the week, and our therapist pointed out that they were NOT small, but super huge. Just hearing him explain why these couple of events were huge strides for Hannah (he even drew me a picture, lol) really gave me a new burst of energy and hope. I really needed to see that we are moving in the right direction, that something is happening. I also needed to see that it's okay for me to feel frustrated and angry sometimes, it isn't a reflection on me as a person - it just means that I am one.
I'll just share our victories now:

1. We took the kids to see "Bolt" Monday night. During a pretty emotional scene, I felt Hannah put her arm through mine. I looked down at her and was shocked to see tears in her eyes. I have NEVER seen Hannah cry genuine tears. Not only was she crying without any ulterior motive, these were tears of empathy - another thing I've never seen her exhibit.
2. During our holding session yesterday, Hannah made eye contact for a full 30 seconds. She's never made it past six seconds!

Our therapist also encouraged me by saying that even though some days will seem "one step forward, two steps back", we will never go all the way back to zero. We will continue to move towards Hannah being healed. That is all I needed to hear.

After our session, my Mom gave Joel and I a big treat by watching the kids and we went out for Thai food. I'm feeling so much better, thank you guys who left sweet words of support, they worked!

Endless Winter

That is where I feel like I am right now, a long winter with no end in sight.

I think I've hit the proverbial wall - I've lost my mojo, my groove . . . you get the picture. We've been seeing our attachment therapist weekly and doing all of the "right" things to help Hannah heal. I was prepared for having a long, hard road ahead of us. I was geared up and feeling full of purpose and motivation. I was relieved to have finally named the shadow over my daughter and ready to fight it to the death. I guess I wasn't prepared for all of that to slowly leak out of me until I found myself here again. In the place where I feel defeated and exhausted mentally, spiritually, and physically. In my efforts to bond and attach with Hannah, she has matched me play for play. We saw some really encouraging results those first couple of weeks, but I'm afraid it was our new tactics just threw her temporarily off her game. She has responded by throwing new behaviors into the mix, and I just feel so tired. I can't explain what it's like when every single bit of your mental and emotional energy is used up just trying to keep it all together. Keeping a warm, loving smile on your face when what you want to do is scream and shout. Forcing yourself to hug and love on your child when you'd much rather not even be in the same room with them because they've just spent the past several hours doing everything they can to drive you insane. She wants to push me away . . . I get it.

It's working.

It's working, and I'm deeply disappointed in myself. Our therapist keeps assuring me that what I do matters much more than what I feel. I know this, but I keep waiting and hoping that I'll start to feel differently - because having to keep such careful guard over myself during every minute of every day is making me feel seriously fried. There is this feeling of being constantly switched "ON", of always being poured out without the opportunity to recharge.

I feel like I may win a blog award for the whiniest post in history. Surely I'm at least in the running after this one. It's hard to put myself out there like this, to be so raw in such a public place. But the alternative would completely negate the reasons I chose to share about our family's battle with attachment disorder in the first place.

This is where I honestly am, and maybe someone reading this is there too, and now they know they aren't alone.

The bright side of all of this is that as much as I might feel like giving up, I won't.

I will continue to fight for my daughter, no matter how bleak my chances look right now.

Maybe I won't win, but I won't stop.

I'm her mother, and whether or not that idea ever appeals to her - here we are, walking this road together.

Glimpses of Spring

I see God's hand, reassuring me when I need it the most. Just when I feel like the call I felt to adopt was probably just indigestion, He shows me that I really am supposed to be here. There is a certain little boy who has spent the last year with friendly-to-ambivalent feelings towards me at best. But on a daily basis, he comes closer. First, he began reluctantly allowing me to show him affection. It was clear he was humoring me at first, but then one day I felt him relax into my embrace, and noticed an expectant look on his face as he waited for his goodbye kiss before school. Then, he began initiating affection towards me. Now, we're just in a full blown love fest. In fact, last night Eli initiated his first ever "group hug" while I was hugging Emma good night. Oh, let me tell you - it took my breath away.

Emma said, "Wow, I think that's the first time Eli's hugged me on purpose!"

(I should have asked how he'd happened to hug her by accident.)

Now that the group hug stage has been reached, this weekend I'm going to teach him to sing Cumbaya. It's time.

Eli's new favorite thing to do is help me make dinner. He's the kind of child that you only have to show something once, and he's got it down. While we cook, we talk - two way conversations being another new development in our relationship. He likes my sense of humor, it's alot like his. We joke, tease, and laugh alot together. I feel like I've been given the most amazing gift, watching this boy heal - watching him become. And that's when I know that I'm supposed to be here, that I'm on the path that was meant for me.

Even though it's uphill most of the way, and it's rocky and my shoes fell apart long ago and I'd love to just sit down and refuse to walk any farther.

I know that God wouldn't have placed me somewhere hope didn't exist.

That's just not how He works, and because I know that, I choose to keep walking.

Happy Birthday Miss Abby!!

This little pumpkin is five years old today! How can that be??

Happy Birthday sweet love - give your Mommy lots of hugs from me today!

Fundraiser for Anna Grace!

The Kreuer family needs your help to bring their sweet daughter Anna Grace home from China!

Carrie is one of my best blog buddies, she was in the process for her daughter MJ around the same time we were adopting Eli. Since we were both adopting older children, we were able to support each other via email during some of the tougher transitional moments!

Not long after receiving their referral for Anna Grace, their family suffered an unthinkable loss when MJ died in a tragic accident. Medical and funeral expenses took a huge toll, making it impossible for them to fund this second adoption on their own. The adoption community has really come alongside this family, organizing some amazing fundraisers, and I wanted to give my blog readers a chance to be a part of Anna Grace's journey home. Here is the link to Carrie's blog which has all the details:

http://kreuerfundraiser.blogspot.com/

I will also be adding this link to my sidebar.
Please help if you can, and hold this family up in prayer!