Birthday Wishes for Our Cousin

I don't know why some of these have a black front screen, but they are playing right so I guess it's okay!

And We Have Launch!

We just launched the Colorado sector of the red balloon for Kelly's birthday. What a neat way to remember that today is her special day. It was very meaningful for all of us!

You can't see it in this last picture, but I could still see it as a tiny speck. I had to chase it out front and watch it out of sight. We love you Kelly!

Happy Birthday Kelly!

Today is my niece's 1st birthday! Of course, we had hoped desperately that she would be spending this day at home, rather than in China.

My heart feels so heavy with the pain that my sister carries today. Rather than plucking Kelly out of her bed this morning with kisses and exclamations of "Happy Birthday!", she is enduring yet another day in this wait that can feel never ending. There are no words to describe the pain of it.

Thanks to a fabulous idea from Kelly's Nanna, we have found a way to celebrate her day together. This evening, we will each release a single red balloon - one from Texas, one from Colorado, and one from California. Along with these balloons we send up our birthday hopes for a little girl who may be far away from us physically right now, yet is held close in our hearts every moment.

Dear Kelly,

Happy Birthday, Baby Love!

I should introduce myself - I'm your Auntie, just one of the many people who love you.

Right now, my heart's desire is to see you nestled safe in your Mommy's arms. To see the love shining out of her eyes and into yours. You will soon find out that you have the most amazing Mommy in the entire world. I've never known someone with more love, more heart, or more grace than your sweet Mommy. You are also very fortunate to have a very patient Auntie. I will patiently wait for my turn to snuggle you, and I promise to let you decide when that is.

Someday, though, you and I are going to have secret jokes that we'll giggle about over and over again. We'll tease each other, and have nicknames that are only funny to us. I promise that we are going to be very silly together. I'll feel very sorry if you are ever in trouble with Mommy and Daddy. I know the chances of that are extremely remote - but if it ever should happen, I'll cast a sympathetic glance in your direction while their eyes are averted. Please keep your face very straight when that happens. When you are riding in my car, you can have as many licorice whips as you'd like, as long as you remember to share with your Auntie. Lick your fingers before exiting the car, please. I'll tell you which books I think are best, and why, and then you can tell me whether or not you agree. You can verify all of this with Caleb and Camryn, they'll vouch for me. Maybe just keep the licorice thing between us, though?

Tonight as you lie sleeping, I hope that in your dreams you see bright red balloons drifting lazily through a sunset sky. Those are for you, pretty one. Your Nana, Auntie, Cousins, and most of all your Mommy, Daddy, Brother, and Sister send our love and our hopes and our dreams to you on the wind tonight.

Love,

Auntie

It's All About The Family Values . . .

I just had to post this, I think it's going down as my "quote of the week". Just for fun, today I got Joel an XBox game he's been wanting for awhile that finally went on sale. Naturally, Josh is dying to play it, but it's rated "M" for 'mature', so he isn't allowed. It's a shoot 'em up style military game and aside from the death and destruction, I'm willing to bet the language isn't pretty.

Joshua tried various methods of coercion the entire way home, to no avail. With a scowl, he contented himself with staring longingly at the back of the box. Suddenly he exclaims,

"WAIT MOM! It says RIGHT HERE that this game 'Supports Family Settings'!"


Indeed, it did say that - but it was referring to the actual settings on your XBox that allows multiple player accounts to sign in on the game, not cozy living room scenes of idyllic domesticity. I laughed so hard I nearly had to pull over.

Good try Josh, you almost had me thinking that I'd been wrong, and the game was actually based on Mayberry.

~ Jen

Another "Bring Kelly Home" Auction

I just wanted to say that I'll be posting some new things on ebay in the coming weeks, trying to help my sister with her adoption expenses. You can do a username search on ebay for "hawkfamily" and find my auctions, I'll also post a link when I list new items.

Clint's stepmom has also begun an auction to benefit the adoption (You're Awesome, Nana!!). She is planning on listing some more items as well. Here is a link to her items list:
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZmatthew6.19-21

~ Jen

Finally, Pictures!

We've finally had some good outside weather, YAY!
Yes, that is a girl's bike Eli's riding . . . he's still getting comfortable with the bigger bike that we got for him and he isn't embarassed at all - much to his brother's mortification!
Emma is so excited that she's riding without training wheels!
It's Cage Scrubbing Day, so we're hanging out in the kitchen!

And, the Black Dogs

Hearing Aids

Eli finally got his hearing aids on Thursday. He was so excited!

I left extra early for the appointment because we were experiencing some Colorado spring weather (ie blizzard conditions) and I wanted to make sure we arrived in time. Fortunately the roads were great, but that also meant we were very early and had to wait for over an hour at the ENT's office before they called us back. His enthusiasm quickly diminished and turned into the familiar "gonna getcha back for this" expression. When they did finally call us back and they put the hearing aids in, he sprang up out of his chair, ready to blow that joint. Nope, sorry dude - we've got to do all sorts of QC tests on you now. The two staff members became rapidly concerned that his hearing aids were not functioning, because Eli was staring at them blankly whenever they made a sound he should have been able to hear. "Oh dear", their faces said as they glanced anxiously at one another. I asked if I could have just a sec to better explain his instructions to him, and proceeded to tell Eli that he could cooperate with these nice ladies, or we could leave the hearing aids here at the office. The nice ladies turned twin disapproving glares on me, and one of them actually made a little sympathetic sound like "awwwww" at the way I was abusing my poor child. But, miracle of miracles . . . suddenly Eli could hear the sounds that they were making. They took him into the audiology booth and the results showed that the hearing aids are giving him quite a bit of sound, but are not taking his hearing to the level at which he can hear speech sounds clearly.

I just feel perplexed beyond anything - Eli has had at least six audio grams done, and every single one of them shows something different. On this one, he can't hear anything - he's as deaf as a person can possibly be - his ears are merely ornamental. On this one, he's mostly deaf, but can hear things as long as they are well above speech level. The audio grams with his hearing aids in have been the same deal: one test shows that hearing aids will only enable him to hear nuclear bomb if it's no more than three feet away, and on the next test, hearing aids have brought his hearing up to nearly normal levels. Since he's been wearing them at home, he's not responding to sounds any more often then he was without them. You can stand behind him and scream "Oh Lord Help Us! It's A Nuclear Bomb! We Are All Going To Die!" at the very tip top of your voice, and he won't so much as flinch. Five minutes later, he'll point out to me that his Lego's make a neat sound as they scrape across the table, or ask tell me he likes the sound of the water coming out of the faucet. He loves to play a game where I knock on his door and he answers it. All of these sounds are well below the frequency of me screaming at the top of my voice (trust me) - so, either Eli has taken selective hearing to a whole new level - or - well honestly I don't have another explanation for it. I'm going to make a few phone calls tomorrow and see if anyone has any ideas - I'm officially hornswabbled.

~ Jen

A Tribute To My Friend

For those unfortunate readers who have never loved a dog, this post will hold little interest for you. But for those of you who know what a wonderful blessing it is to love and be loved by God’s most faithful creature, I invite you to pay tribute with me to a much beloved friend.

Today I said goodbye to my Ranger, my steadfast companion for nearly eleven years. I only hope that here, at the end, I was as loving in letting him go as he was every minute of every day that he lived.

I love all of my dogs, past and present. But for me, Ranger will always be “that dog”. Ranger holds a place in my heart that no other could touch. Perhaps that is because he has been with me through each of the most significant and pivotal moments in my life. He has been at my side as I grew from a new wife into a new mother, into the woman that I am today.

Joel and I had only been married a few months when Ranger joined our family, so we don’t have many memories of this life we’ve built together without him there. Countless tears of joy - and pain - have fallen into his fur as he cuddled close and comforted me. Always close – Ranger lying at (or on) my feet, or following me about as I did chores. I really can’t imagine life without that reassuring presence near.

Ranger has welcomed each of my four children into our family with a gentle adoration that could not help but win them over – though Hannah and Eli were terrified of animals initially. He has guarded and loved us well, and I am so thankful for the years I have been blessed with his company – though they were much too short.

Ranger, my sweet love – I thank you.

Your suffering and your pain are over now.

I see you in my mind’s eye, chasing Frisbees in the summer dusk with blissful abandon. I hear you baying with joy at the first snap of cool weather in fall, and biting happily at the first falling snowflakes of winter. This is how I will remember you - always.

Will we meet again?
This is a mystery I can’t answer. I can’t help but hope that one day, when I leave this life, I’ll find you there – watching for me.

All My Love,
Mama

Helping Bring Kelly Home!

As my sister waits . . . and waits . . . and waits for her Letter of Acceptance to arrive from China, I have really felt led to help with fundraising but just haven't had any workable ideas on how to get started.

My sister and her husband have applied for grants and done everything they can do, and are still lacking quite a bit of the funds needed to travel.

I've been feeling helpless to do anything about this, as we've just completed two adoptions in three years and aren't exactly rolling in extra cash. But today I had a thought - I am blessed to know many gifted people, what if I got them all together and did an ebay auction fundraiser with items they were willing to donate?!

We'll have some gorgeous signed artwork from a friend of my sister's who is a well known American artist, some beautiful hand made scarves courtesy of my mother in law, custom hand made jewelry courtesy of my sister in law, custom hand made baby swings in the design of your choice and much, much more. Right now I only have a few items up at this point, so it hasn't gotten exciting yet. Please go to ebay.com and look up my listings under my User ID, which is hawkfamily. If you'd like to help but aren't interested in bidding in the auctions, you can use the ChipIn feature I've added to the bottom of my blog - really every bit helps, no matter how small it might seem to you.

Let's Get Her Home!!
Love,
Jen

Hannah's Birthday Cake!

I completely forgot to post pictures of Hannah's birthday cake! Better late than never, so here you go! Just so I've said it - the kids' cakes never look the way I picture them in my head. I am NOT creatively gifted, but the kids always enjoy them and I love doing it for them. Hannah's cake was supposed to be very sweet and feminine with lavendar edging and polka dots. Instead, it was more like a couple of pink hearts with purple cooties on them. She thought it was simply gorgeous, and that's what counts!

And Our Final Picture Time Warp . . . For Now

And here is my sweet Joshua, age three and having a taste of snow. I have to confess, this picture absolutely made me ache when I found it. Where did this tiny boy go? I love how our relationship changes as he grows and we are close in different ways, but I sometimes miss those days! They really do grow and change so quickly!

Another Picture Time Warp . . .

When Emma was two, you could ask her, "How do you look when you're feeling mad?"

And this is what you'd get! As I was searching my computer for a photo of Joshua at age three to complete my "Picture Time Warp" from the other day, I found this and had to post it. She looks positively scary, doesn't she??

And Another Hit . . .

Folks, the honeymoon is officially over. I will always remember it fondly . . .

I'm going back and forth about how "real" my blog should really be. Anyone who knows me understands that I can't be anything but real . . . so if you're looking for a sunshine adoption story worthy of a Hallmark movie, you should probably move on.

If you followed our MRI adventure, you know that when Eli ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. From minute one, we learned that Eli's waterworks are tipped on at the first sign of things not going precisely his way. When we first came home, everything was new and exciting, and for the most part he was a pretty happy little guy. He loved going to school - starting during the holidays probably set him up to think that it was all crafts, candy, and visits from Santa. In the past couple of months, mornings have been a nightmare. It goes something like this:

"Eli, wake up, it's time to get ready for school"
"No"
"Yes, Eli, time to get up"
sits on floor, looking obstinate, refuses to get dressed.
"Eli, get up NOW and dress, come downstairs and eat"
waterworks commence (I always told Joel I'd like to have a water feature in the yard, should I move Eli permanently into the yard, do you think?? Or would that be wrong?)
Soon, I hear him stomping down the stairs with all of his might.
Once, he actually stomped so hard that he lost his footing and fell. I laughed a little on the inside - after making sure he wasn't hurt - was that wrong?
Then, I spend the next 20 minutes watching Eli weep into his cereal.
"I want to watch TV"
"No, it's time for the bus"
waterworks resume
Mercifully, the bus arrives, and takes him away. The best part is that I know I get to do it all over again tomorrow.

After school, as always, I asked him how his day went. He immediately burst into tears (oh, mercy), and told me that his teacher was very angry at him and sent him to time out. He informed me that he was "finished" with school and was not going tomorrow. I asked him why he was sent to time out, to which he replied that he didn't know, and repeated his tale of woe about the cruelly unfair teacher. I figured we'd better get to the bottom of all this, lest my dear son be collared for truancy. I called the teacher, and got the facts from her. Eli didn't want to complete his work, because he wanted to do worksheets instead of whatever subject it was time for. He expressed his displeasure by refusing politely several times to complete the work. That obstinate woman who calls herself a teacher didn't get the idea, so he picked it up and threw it at her. Yep, he really did that.

Then she proceeded to tell me that actually, since we're talking about it - Eli has been combative in school for several months. He refuses to do any work that he isn't interested in, walks out of class if they are having reading time, and has had the literacy teacher return him to class on several occasions because he refuses to cooperate. He cries whenever things don't go his way (what? MY Eli? So unlike him . . . ) and generally treats teachers and aides like something he noticed stuck to the bottom of his shoe - unless of course, he wants something from them. All I can say is -- "Yippee! I have company now!!" I wonder if they'd like to have coffee sometime? Maybe we could set up cry sessions?

I did encourage her to stay in touch about what's going on in school, so that we can support them at home. Then I got off the phone and made Eli cry some more. As soon as I told him I was speaking with his teacher, his face turned a bit paler. I explained to him that she had told me the story of the time out, and I also informed him that I knew how he'd been acting in general. Then, I got out the calendar, and marked off each day that he was grounded from TV and video games. By the time we reached day 7, he had cried an actual river. I always thought that was just an expression. Don't worry, I stopped at 7, I promise!

I know that Eli has been through hell, and I know how stressful this transition must be for him. But it's also so important that Eli learn that negative behavior has consequences, and that he must work hard to succeed. He needs to learn that within any relationship, mutual respect must exist, and that we all have to do things we don't necessarily feel like. Hopefully, having the two things he loves best in the world removed for awhile will at least stop him from strolling out of classrooms where the teacher isn't holding his interest.

Ugh. Calgon.

~ Jen

Picture Time Warp #2

And Emma at three . . . this is one of my all time favorite family photos!

Wonder what she was thinking about???

Picture Time Warp . . .

I thought it would be sweet to post some older pictures of the kids, so we can keep track of how much they've changed.

Since we just celebrated Hannah's fifth birthday, I thought I'd start with her. These pictures were taken at our one year post placement appointment. She was only three!

Our social worker has been with us through both adoptions, and feels like a member of the family. We've always known she was a very talented amateur photographer, she catches the essence of the children she is photographing. We found out this week that now she's gone pro! She is in the process of opening a studio here in town, and I plan on being one of the first in line!

Love,

Jen

Pictures of Our Last Day in California

Beautiful Girls

Emma LOVES Kaya

"Hey Chloe, was it something I said?"

Another picture of two beautiful girls!

The Bold Truth

When we were in China adopting Eli, I was having a hard time. I had horrible panic attacks all night long, and couldn't eat. This left me completely exhausted and sick. By the time we got to Guangzhou, the last leg of our journey, I was at the end of myself. Then one day, walking in the park, we saw an American couple with their new son who looked about Eli's age. We struck up a conversation, and learned that we shared very similar adoption stories - more importantly, we shared a faith that God had led our families to make the leap of faith that had put us together in that far off foreign land. Talking to Cindy that day filled me with new strength, and I know that God sent her to me that day as surely as He had sent her to her son, Zach. I continue to get encouragement from her, each time I read her blog. Cindy has such a heart for God, and as a result, such a heart for the fatherless.

She speaks the truth with a boldness that I have a hard time mustering - I have buckled under the blanching faces of friends and family members when I begin to talk about the conviction that Christians should feel for the fatherless children of the world. I've found that most people don't want to hear it, and some even become offended and feel as though I'm shoving my calling down their throats. I have been told that "not everyone is called to adopt" - at which point I climb down from my soapbox with my tail between my legs. I try to accept that you can't make people hear what they refuse to hear . . . but what I've really done is hidden the truth of what God has shown me, fearing the reaction of the world.

Yesterday was a very black day for me, and this morning I went to her blog to see if she'd posted anything new. She had, and her words were so poignant that I had to share them here. She's given me permission previously to quote her blog here, so here it goes:

What is more important to you? Is it more important for you to have a luxury car, or for a child to have a loving family? Did you know that the difference in cost between a luxury car and a relatively nice car is approximately the cost of an adoption, which could help a family who couldn't otherwise afford to adopt a child?
Is it more important for you to have large savings/retirement account for your future, or for people with nothing to have a future to hope for?
Do you need lots of fancy furnishings? Or is it more important for your neighbor to have food and clothing?
These are real choices we make when we open up our checkbook. I am not condemning decisions we all have made that benefit ourselves. I just think it is important for us all (me included!) to recognize more often the good that can be done for Christ when we make decisions about what to do with our money.Christians are called to love their neighbor as themselves. If we are truly honoring this command, then our neighbors needs would be met before our wants are met. Certainly this is very hard to do. It is not something we can do perfectly. But we should at least try. Of course, we can spend our money on ourselves. Scripture doesn't say we can't, and I am not implying that we can't. But our desire and our priority should be reaching the lost and giving them the hope we have in Christ. Having nice things is certainly not a crime. But we do run the risk of failing to see that we have built up too many treasures here on earth that moths and rust will destroy, that could instead have been stored up in heaven. Christ warned us against this.Yes, God can bless us when we honor him. But I find nowhere in Scripture that says he blesses us materially so that we can glorify ourselves. We should use His blessings to HIS glory, not ours. After all, when he places material blessings in the hands of Christians, isn't he putting back in His own hands? As Christians, we should be more excited about reaching others with the message of the gospel and offering eternal hope, something Christ would be excited about, rather than having lots of expensive things. That is what it means to "delight in the Lord." The health and wealth heresy has crippled the message of Christ because there are so many material blessings spent to the glory of individuals, leaving so much kingdom work undone. As John Piper said in a sermon I heard last year: God is NOT glorified when Christians drive expensive cars and wear expensive suits.

Thank you Cindy, for submitting to the Holy Spirit from where I believe those words came.

Love,
Jen

The Trail of Tears, And Eli's Revenge . . .

Well, three hours later and here we are . . . right back where we started.

Let me start from the beginning . . . since that's a very good place to start.
As I said in my earlier post, Eli had to fast this morning, and he was very, very unhappy about this. At first, I felt terrible about this - my poor sweet boy was hungry. I explained to him several times why he couldn't eat, but he still could not be brought over to my point of view. He wept copious amounts of tears, glared at me, and begged for food. This was all very pitiful, until it occurred to me that very often Eli refuses breakfast if he doesn't like what is being served. How is it that he seems to survive very well on those days, and this morning had all the trappings of a Shakespearean tragedy? Some of my pity leaked away at that thought, especially as the tears continued on . . . and on . . . into the car . . . into the registration office . . . into radiology . . . into the nurse station . . . you get the idea.

Eli received his sedative, and was eventually rolled away for the MRI. They returned with him an hour later, and informed me that the test could not be performed because he had refused to stay still - even after a second dose of the sedative. Now - just maybe he couldn't help it - but I seriously doubt it. He did great during his CT scan, and fully understood the instructions not to move a muscle. He knew that for the "test" to work, he must stay very still once more. He had someone consistently reminding him while they attempted the MRI, and couldn't stay still for even a minute. Since Eli is the king of passive aggressive rebellion - I sense a deliberate sabotage to repay me for starving him. Grrrrrrr . . . !!!! I waited for two hours with two little ones (Havila and Hannah), endured a morning of intense battle - for nothing?! ACK!

Sadly for Eli, his day is about to get a whole lot worse. They are going to do the MRI this evening, under full anesthesia. This means that he has to fast for the rest of the day. He can have Jello and broth for the next few hours, but that's it. I have a feeling that neither of us is going to have a very good afternoon.

The only good part of this is that I won't have to drag any of the other children along this evening. It will be just Eli and myself, and I'm sure I'll be just as popular with him as ever.

Sigh.

~ Jen

MRI

Today Eli will have his MRI, in part to determine whether or not he is a candidate for a cochlear implant. He will have to be sedated, so he has to fast all morning. I hate the idea of the sedation, but it's necessary since the test is so long and he has to be absolutely still throughout.

Poor guy, I've explained to him several times that he's having a test, and the doctor says no food in his tummy for the test. He doesn't much seem to care about all that - he is hungry! He keeps glaring at me with this accusatory expression - "You're starving me on purpose, you cruel woman!" I was racing around trying to get the other three fed before he woke up so he didn't have to watch them eat, but he stumbled downstairs just in time to see them happily scarfing down their breakfasts. Wouldn't you know it - the one day he wakes up early, lol!

This is our last diagnostic for him, at least for awhile (can you say "wooo hoooo" with me?). He'll get his hearing aids on the 17th, and will wear those for three months. After that, we'll know more about whether they can implant only one side, or will need to do both. I'm still so torn about the cochlear implant, but now I think it stems from my fear of having one of my children undergo a surgical procedure of any kind. Eli is very excited about the prospect of an implant, even after having it fully explained to him. Of course, I'm not sure how much of that explanation he really grasps. The ENT was very surprised at how well he was hearing with the temporary aids they gave him, so it looks as though some speech therapy will also be appropriate for him. We will still rely on ASL for communication, even if we do go through with the implant. I'm praying that the aids and possibly the implants will be the opportunity that Eli hopes they will be.

~ Jen

Especially One From China . . .

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:

to look after orphans and widows in their distress

and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I swear you can tell how close something is to God's heart by the level of attack it receives from those who truly are "polluted by the world". As disheartening as this is, perhaps we should take it as a compliment? The enemies of God would surely not bother with us if we were content to sit quietly as life and opportunities to live out loud for Christ passed us by.

Unfortunately, my sister's adoption is receiving the honor of these "compliments" in the form of malicious verbal attacks being made by a close family member. The title of my post quotes one of these attacks, in which this unfortunate person endeavored once more to undermine God's work by reiterating their disgust regarding the adoption of a child . . . "especially one from China".

You can imagine my revoltion at this blatant display of racism, particularly from my position as Mommy and Auntie to three precious children from China.

True, it's unfortunate that none of these three were clever enough to be born white Americans, but we must try and overlook this egregious character flaw and love them as best we can anyway. I'm sure they tried their best to be born into an American caucasian family, but it just didn't work out for them and shouldn't be held against them.

In all seriousness, if this person ever happens upon this post, I would like to bring your attention to the scripture I've quoted above. If you read it all the way through - maybe real slow a couple of times to really let it sink in - I think you'll note that God doesn't refer to a particular geographical area where we are to find the orphans which are appropriate to care for in their distress. God doesn't mention their skin, hair, or eye color. I'm going to make a deductive leap here, and postulate that maybe that's because He loves Chinese orphans and American orphans. Since I'm taking things for granted based on what we know God says in His word, I'm also going to guess that He led Jen and Clint to their daughter in China for a reason.

I'm going to make the wild, crazy assumption that it's true when His word says that He knows exactly what He's doing, and exactly what His plans for this family and their new little girl entail.

You see, everyone in their life who has a true faith in the Lord, and a true love for this family understands and knows that God led them to adopt a child.

Especially this child - one from China.

*Endnote:

This post is obviously "dedicated", if you will, to a particular person, and I should also note that this person will most likely never see it. I posted it because I believed it needed to be said, and because I hope that someone else might see it, and be given either encouragement or something to think about, depending on which side of this issue they fall on.